Gia Raquel

I possess a lot of fear at the moment. I see myself in the thick of a storm that holds no prediction I can trust. But that does not stop the continuous momentum of time we are all trapped in. As much as I wish I could, I cannot hibernate until I wake in an automatically successful life.

I believe a large chunk of this fear originates from love. I am in a constant screaming match with love that has been occurring for most of my life. As a little girl who believed in prince charming to a cynical young adult that cringes at the very touch of people, I didn’t have a place on the spectrum, I was the spectrum.

But I live now with a new definition of love, an ever-changing idea that manifests itself as I attempt to further understand it. Upon my attempts, I have stumbled upon many fears among the varieties of fantastic realities I never realized I craved so intensely.

Yet regardless of my adventures in love, I still hold fear, like a fetus no one must know about. I sometimes wonder, will I ever wake up one day completely, irreversibly, out of love?

As of 2016 40%-50% of couples get divorced in the United States. To think, millions of fights, tears, broken hearts, all dwindled down to one statistic. It may be silly to be thinking of such things as my age, but I do worry. What if I wake up with no more love to give? Someone once told me marriage slowly turns into a friendship. That the passionate love eventually dies into a mutual caring for one another. Is it childish to say I don’t want that? To believe I can find a soul mate I always thought would be out there searching for me as I do for them?

What happens if I lose interest in their lives? If I find their quirks annoying? If I attempt to smother this lack of love, turning it into a slow-burning loathe for them? I know there is no true answer out there. There can never be a definitive answer to the question of soul mates. But one can hope, can’t they? I know people will click their tongues in distaste at my innocent attempt to find pure love, and I will do the very same. But I cannot stand the idea of not trying.

I believe we are meant to meet certain people in our lifetime. There are so many soul mates out there for one person, whether it’s for long friendship, mere one-time memory, or romance. I think that’s so beautiful. There are people out there, just waiting to be found. And here you are, thinking of the million possibilities of who they could be.

As I attempt to live in the present of what love I have, I know there will always be smidges of fear slithering through my veins. But I am here now. I look at the one I love with something I have read about so many times before. And he looks at me with the very same fervor. That’s all I had ever asked for. I think I just have to learn to stop thinking about when, or possibly if, we’ll stop smiling.