Gia Raquel

I find it intriguing how children have the ability to remind us of the fact we all still possess some type of innocence, regardless of age. The constant battles bestowed each day makes us grow weary and forgetful of who any of us were years prior.

How beautiful. How amazing it is to hold the power of innocence so calmly and naturally within yourself.

Yesterday, my younger cousin came over to visit. Standing next to her almost made me have another quarter life crisis. I couldn’t believe how old she had gotten. I couldn’t believe how old I was when I told her in response to her asking. I remember being her age and inquiring about life as a teenager. Yet, here I am, living through that role. Have I been living it successfully? That, I’m not sure of. I do not know how to measure the success of my life just yet.

As we spoke she asked, “What’s better, middle school or high school?” I was speechless for a few moments. I wasn’t about to unload every horrifying detail of high school. And frankly, I wasn’t going to tell her middle school exists as one of Dante’s circles in his Inferno. I looked at her with a sheepish smile and a joke developing in the pit of my chest. But that joke never saw the light of the day. Rather, I told her high school beats middle school by far. And here’s why:

When she asked me this question, my mind felt as though it deteriorated into state of confusion and pity. But as I searched through my memories of the recent years, I witnessed all the vast liveliness I’ve encountered in high school. As if it were the moment before death, I could see my life spread across this world like a mosaic on crack. Regardless of what I believe when I’m being cynical, I have done so much. I am continuously unveiling and creating who I am as I attempt to navigate my way through this curious place I’ve wandered into.

There are countless times I sit at my desk surrounded by work, feeling robbed of my youth and experiences each teenager feels obligated to have. But as I stood in front of this child, I didn’t feel that way at all. I could see the very start of my life being just a day ago because I know it has barely begun.

I looked her in the eye and said the same snippet of uncertainty I’ve been hearing all my life: it gets better as you get older. There are so many instances where I could call bullshit on this statement. But in that very second, I believed it to a point where I felt reminded of my own innocence that I let go of so long ago.

The smile on her face installed some type of hope within me. It made me nod to myself and think that we both might just end up okay.