Gia Raquel

Photo by Julie Kim

Up above, you can see a picture of me laughing. At first, I found this picture absolutely appalling. What kind of expression am I making? But as I continued to look, it grew on me. I saw it as beautiful in a sense. I loved the way my body looked. How my large nose scrunched as I laughed. How my hair was frantic with wild curls. And yet, a part of me still didn’t want to put up it on social media. Why is that?

In eighth grade, I had an epiphany. I fell in love with myself, wholly. It was a magnificent time. And when high school hit, I could not understand why the people around me always complained about their bodies and looks. It especially hurt when my own friends could not find their beauty. All I could wish was that one day they could see themselves the way I did.

Over the course of this year, I lost my confidence. This was due to people constantly comparing me and putting me down based on my looks. There was a time where I would be able to recite the names of those people and their exact words. Sad, I know. But also, very disappointing.

As quickly as it came, the love for myself was stolen. Or maybe I had given up. I believe it was a mixture of both. But in the end, I lost.

Now, here is my question: What makes someone beautiful? What makes them ugly?

For years, I believed that all that mattered was inner beauty. Personality was key. I had no idea what it meant to be physically beautiful. I saw everyone based on their personality, so why couldn’t everyone else? I admit, I was naive to think everything was that simple.

Everyone has different standards of beauty. It is true, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Then why is it that we crumble under the weight of a few opinions?

Throughout the history of this earth, the idea of beauty and ugliness has shifted considerably. Hundreds of years ago, heavier people were seen as wealthy and taken care of. Now it is looked as a sign of laziness and lack of care. These standards range from weight to eyelids! And here we continue our lives judging ourselves and others based on the standards we’re so used to hearing. There are insecurities out there that some people wouldn’t even notice. And yet, those very small details can tear a person down.

Over these past few weeks, I analyzed appearances of strangers. It’s not as creepy as it sounds. I looked at people and their features, wondering what made them beautiful. I didn’t understand why I found some people attractive while I found others not so much.

Beauty far too often dictates our lives in this society. It is used as a weapon to belittle people. And maybe one day I’ll understand what makes people so different. Nowadays, I try to decipher features and looks to understand why one person is seen as beautiful while the other is ugly. Is it the way those features are put together? Is it how a person presents themselves?

Although I don’t know the answer to that just quite yet, I do know something. I’m not going to let the opinions of others strip me of what is rightfully mine. It’s not fair to me. As a child, I imagined I would be this beautiful girl that everyone would love. But now I realize, I just want my own love.

We all deserve to be loved, especially by ourselves.