Gia Raquel

During class, I had gone up to present a design of mine. My teacher asked, “Gia! Do you like this design?” My response was, “Well, compared to my last one, yeah.” I proceeded to make an exaggerated frown at the mention of my last design. Afterward, it was brought to my attention that this was my way of apologizing or putting myself down. That’s the complete opposite of what I wanted. With my art, it’s the only thing I will not apologize for.

And yet, I apologized.

Where is the line drawn between modesty and apologizing for yourself? I have no idea. But maybe if I talk about it for a little, I’ll figure it out.

For most of my life, I have apologized for space I take up, for other people’s mistakes, for countless things that can be just as fine if I didn’t mutter an ‘I’m sorry’. Over the years, you kind of just accept the sorry’s that fall out of your mouth. You don’t think twice about them.

Personally, I absolutely abhor apologizing when I don’t mean it. It makes me feel as though I’ve crawled out of a hole infested with worms. I hate hugging a friend after a fight when I know I’ll never trust them again. I hate saying sorry like a scolded child even though I was fighting for what I thought to be correct.

Sorry is a confusing maze of sincerity and lack thereof. You’re taught to apologize only when you mean it, but are often forced to do so many more times.

What am I getting at here?

Apologizing; the destroyer and mender of who we are.

We go through our day probably muttering too many sorry’s to count, when we don’t mean most of them. So many of these sorry’s are about things we can’t change! How absurd is that?

“I’m sorry that my thigh is touching your thigh on the train, even though I was sitting here first.”

“I’m sorry you bumped into me while you were walking down the sidewalk.”

“I’m sorry you don’t like what I made even though I worked really hard.”

“I’m sorry you don’t find me attractive.”

No. No!

Why is it my job to say sorry for my stretch marks or disturbing art?

How is that a way to live?

I am so apologetic about most of the things I do. But as this year progressed, I’ve apologized less for my art. I’ve found confidence in my own creations and dare other people to find meaning rather than to ask me.

I don’t know about you, but I’m not going to go through my life apologizing for things I have no power over. In all honesty, it’s so tiring to fake sincerity.

Ask me for my own meaning. I will no longer apologize for the space I occupy, for the way I live. I’ve realized it won’t change anything.

We’re all bustling and bumping into each other just trying to find something. It’s a beautiful world, it truly is. But not if we apologize for it. One’s sorrows can be another’s beauty. So stop. Look, listen, realize. It’s not your responsibility to be sorry.

Let sorry be meaningful again. Let it go when it’s just a whisper to fill the awkward silence.

We’re destroying ourselves every time we apologize for who we are. You are breathing, you are living, you are art. Have you seen the absurd art in museums these days? They don’t have plaques that say ‘I’m sorry’ right next to them. So why should you?