Hiraeth

Artist’s Statement

The title of this story is Hiraeth. It is a word of Welsh origin, unable to be truly translated into the English language. When searched, it is defined as homesickness for a place one can never go to, or maybe a place that never was. This is a story of two people trying to find a home within each other. Over a series of phone calls, their lives unravel to the tragedies they believe themselves to be. The idea of phone calls came from a past event in my life. It was a series of text messages and Facetime calls with a boy I once knew. I wanted to translate that experience into a more mature atmosphere.

Him: I’m heading home, did you make dinner?

Her: Yeah, you’re favorite.

Him: Great.

Click.

He said it with a hint of finality, yet no malice. But she didn’t want to open the wine.

Him: I don’t want you leaving the house today.

Her: Why not?

Him: You know why.

Her: Tell me.

Him: Don’t make me. I said I was sorry.

Her: So did I.

Him: Please…Forgive me.

Her: Of course.

Click.

She spoke while she looked at her makeup, already knowing which one covers her bruise best. He did feel sorry. He loved her. And she loved him.

Him: He fucked me up! Why would he do that? I didn’t know!

Her: You didn’t deserve it. It wasn’t your fault. He shouldn’t have done what he did. But it’s over now. You’re safe.

Him: I’m never going to be safe. I’m not okay. You can’t fix me!

Her: He can’t get you now. He’s dead. But you’re alive. You’re here. You don’t have to suffer anymore.

Him: I’m always going to have his face burned into my head. His hands will always be on my… He’s never going to let me go.

Her: You’re father-

Him: Don’t call him that. He’s no one to me.

Click.

Him: Hey.

Her: What’s wrong?

Him: Nothing.

Her: I know your voice. Don’t try to cover it up.

Him: It’s just been…a really long day.

Her: You okay?

Him: I can’t stop thinking.

Her: Are you on your way home?

Him: Just left the office.

Her: We’ll order in and watch a movie?

Him: No movie. I miss you. I want to feel you next to me.

Her: As you wish.

Him: Thank you…Can you stay on the phone until I’m home?

Her: What do you want to talk about?

Him: Tell me about your day.

She found it amazing and scary how his poor mood brought her down too. But as per usual, she did not think twice of it. This, was loving him.

Her: Are you still at work?

Him: I always loved bridges. Did you know if an architect fucks up by one inch the whole thing can collapse?

Her: Have you been drinking? Where are you?

Him: Why can’t we be happy?

Her: We will be happy. It just takes time. Please, where are you? Come home.

Him: Nothing feels like home anymore. He took it away from me.

Her: Tell me where you are. I’ll make my arms a home for you.

Him: Why does this bridge feel like a home? Why is the water calling me like it’s my mom? Why does everything else remind me of him?

Her: Please, just tell me where you are. Which bridge? A bridge isn’t a home. The water isn’t your mother. Sweetheart, they’ve been dead for years.

Him: They’re haunting me. I can feel them. They crawl in my skin. They’re the shadows in my brain. Why are they still here? Why won’t they go!

Her: They’re demons. Those aren’t your parents. They’re your demons.

Him: They want to kill me and I can’t disagree.

Her: No! No! Oh God, please no! I love you. Do you hear me? I love you for fuck’s sake! I’m going to drive to every bridge. I’m going to find you.

Him: No. You won’t. I love you.

Click.

Her: We can get you help-

Him: Get me help? That’s funny. You’re one to talk!

Her: Don’t. Please-

Him: I know the ‘I wanna get better’ thing is a facade. You want to die as long as we do it together. You’re lonely. Pathetic. You can’t stand the thought of me leaving. You just want as an anchor. You don’t love me. You hate the loneliness more. Drink a beer sweetheart, get drunk on the false epiphanies while they last. Once they’re gone I’ll be long dead and you’ll be consumed by your own madness!

Her: Don’t you dare say that! You know I love you. I’ve told you I love you too many times for it not to be true.

Him: You and I both know how it’s all fake. I was the only one that could ever love you. But you will always second guess that. You don’t even love yourself.

Her: Why are you saying this? Why do you always have to put me down? I love you! I thought you loved me.

Him: Don’t throw love around like that.

Click.

She knew his drinking was getting worse, but he wouldn’t let her do anything about it. She remembers when he used to say sweetheart with no animosity. She couldn’t help but miss it.

Him: I need you right now.

Her: I’m in a meeting, can you wait a little?

Him: I need you.

Her: Stay on the phone with me. What’s the matter?

Him: I’m at our bridge.

Her: ‘I’m sorry a family emergency just came up. I need to leave…I’m sorry…yes…Thank you.’ I’m on my way. Stay where you are.

Him: The water is green today. I don’t see any of the fishes.

Her: They must be at the bottom, it’s getting colder.

Him: They all leave when it gets too cold.

Her: I’ll stay. I’ll always stay for you.

Him: Please…hurry.

Her: Stay with me.

Him: Heavy, spastic breathing

Her: Stay with me. Stay with me.

Click.

Her: Where are you?

Him: Do you see it?

Her: See what?

Him: The stars. They’re everywhere, scattered. Do they want to be looked at? Do they get shy?

Her: The stars you see are dead, love. Please, tell me where you are.

Him: How come I can’t be like them? They’re all glorified for their beauty in their death…I want to be a story. I want people to see me with their hearts and pour hope into me like they trust me. I want to be loved like them.

Her: I love you more than the countless stars we see.

Him: Will you love me when I’m dead? Will you wish on my grave and find me beautiful?

Her: I-I…

Him: You won’t. No one will.

Her: Where are you?!

Him: I don’t know. I haven’t stopped walking.

Her: Do you see anything familiar?

Him: I’ll see you tomorrow.

Click.

She did, in fact, see him the next day. He was covered in dirt and lying beside her.

Him: You’re coming home early tonight, right?

Her: Mmhhm, why?

Him: Just wondering…I love you.

Her: I love you too.

Click.

Her: I fucked up.

Him: Wha-? What time is it?

Her: Fuck. I’m so sorry.

Him: Why are you still out? It’s four in the morning!

Her: Don’t yell at me! I know I fucked up! Fuck you! Don’t rub it in my face!

Him: I’m not. Sigh. I’m worried. I don’t want you to be fucked up.

Her: You want me to be your anchor when I can’t even handle myself! I can’t control these thoughts! I was driving earlier and couldn’t stop thinking…I can die. Right now. I can pull the steering wheel. I can crash. It’s all up to me.

Him: You have a life to live. You aren’t me. You need to live it.

Her: And you don’t?

Him: …Sigh…Just come home.

Her: I’ll see you soon.

Click.

Him: Fuck!

He didn’t know what she meant. She could be dead or alive and he wouldn’t know. She knew days like these were his bitter days. They were designated for self pity and loathing only to be presented on his wrists in uneven messes. He no longer winces at the raw cuts and often forgets to bandage them, usually forcing himself to be reminded of how much of a waste he is in this world. But he saw her as a bandage. He didn’t know how long she would stay on, especially when he had a horrible habit of picking at it. On rare occasions he’ll leave it all alone and pretend what it means to be okay. And in his own fucked up way he was relieved. With her gone, he could die by his own hand without a tear or plea.

She was his enigma. And he was hers. Together, they swirled and created tsunamis of confusion and crippled epiphanies. It was only a matter of time before the dead body would float.

Him: Why didn’t you answer? I’ve been calling you for the past two hours!

Her: I’m visiting my mom.

Him: Does she know about the other night?

Her: She feels something off. I don’t know how much longer I can keep it from her.

Him: Hold it in. Let it out when you’re home. If you let it out there, she’ll blame herself.

Her: I don’t want her to blame herself…

Him: Then don’t tell her.

Her: A-Alright.

Him: Are you okay?

Her: I guess.

Him: See you later?

Her: Yeah.

Click.

Her voice was soft like a wilting flower in a summer’s heat. But for now, she was to shut down her feelings. They weren’t meant to be within her. They were to float free and abandon her body. This made surviving easier. It made everything easier.

Him: I’m on my way home.

Her: Alright, I’m going to sleep soon. I’ll see you tomorrow.

Him: The day went by fast.

Her: Mmm, that scares me sometimes

Him: Me too.

Her: Was it a good day?

Him: Still trying to determine that.

Her: Hmm.

Him: Are you falling asleep?

Her: Yawns. Of course not.

Him: See your tomorrow.

Click.

Him: I’m home.

Her: I’ll be there in ten.

Him: Wait…don’t leave me.

Her: I haven’t even gotten there yet.

Him: When you get home. Don’t leave. I can’t see another person leave.

Her: What happened?

Him: I couldn’t save him.

Her: It wasn’t y-

Him: If you leave I won’t be okay. I’m gonna want to leave. I will jump off that bridge and I won’t miss a god damn thing.

Her: What about me?

Click.

She didn’t realize how sharp his memory still was. She knew he wasn’t taking his medication or else his thoughts would have blurred.

Him: I saw him. I saw him. Fuck, I can’t stop seeing him!

Her: Love, he’s dead.

Him: Don’t you think I know that you stupid bitch! I was the one that watched him die!

Her: I’m-I’m sorry.

Him: It was my fault. I should’ve known something was wrong. The angle of the camera was off. It wasn’t like him.

Her: He shouldn’t have done that to you. You didn’t deserve any of it.

Him: But it was my fault! It was my fault. I should’ve realized the moment the camera faced the ceiling! Why didn’t I realize? Why didn’t I call someone?

Her: Shhh, it’s okay. He wasn’t stable anymore. He stopped taking his meds. Remember how depressed he became after the car accident? None of it was your fault.

Him: I watched him. I watched him. I saw his body go limp. I heard his last words.

Her: It-

Him: Do you know what he said to me? He said I should adopt a dog. It would make me smile more. I-I can’t breathe. I can’t brea-

Click.

Her: Hello? Hello?!

Her: I’m sorry.

Him: I know.

Her: Will you come home?

Him: How many days has it been?

Her: Three. Who’s place are you staying at?

Him: You don’t know him.

Her: Oh.

Him: Yeah. I’ll be home for dinner.

Her: Okay.

Click.

She found his spastic disappearances common and frightening. But by now, she saw use within them. When she cried for foolish reasons, she could wallow in self pity without a judging or softening eye. The beauty in loneliness is strong in a throwing mind and empty soul. It’s scary how helpless she felt. She was a hallow church with countless bells ringing for all to fall on their knees and pray. And she followed it. The sobs pounded against her lungs and she found serenity in the infinities of stained glass and hands clasped. She didn’t know if a god heard her. But from time to time she will bend to her depressions and beg for mercy from herself.

Her: Hey.

Him: Hi.

Her: I miss her.

Him: I miss him.

Her: I can’t look at May the same.

Him: I know you loved her.

Her: I’m sorry you lost him.

Him: Do you think of her when you kiss me?

Her: Sometimes, yeah.

Him: Sometimes I pretend he’s hugging me when you are.

Her: I still smell her scent. Like when you make coffee, I feel her.

Him: I hope he’s happy.

Her: Me too.

Click.

Both of them sobbed at the end. It was no longer contained or refreshing. They were confined. Jailed to their bodies. She sometimes wonders if anyone notices how she is wearing more makeup that day. He’ll sometimes wonder if people will see the regretful throbbing in his hand. Both constantly question if they’ll be happy.

Him: How’s your day going?

Her: Does it matter?

Him: Of course it does.

Her: I can’t stop thinking about her.

Him: You know she wouldn’t have made it, right? It had nothing to do with you.

Her: I miss her. I just-I just miss her.

Him: Neither of you knew it would spread that quickly.

Her: Cancer can go fuck itself.

Him: I know.

Her: I’m sorry…I think I just need to go.

Him: Alright.

Click.

Her: You’re missing it!

Him: I know! Don’t watch any of it without me!

Her: I promise nothing!

Him: Oh please? What if I do that thing you love?

Her: Mmm, which thing?

Him: All of them.

Her: Sounds amazing. But not as amazing as this season premiere!

Him: No! Don’t watch it!

Her: Shhh you’re making me miss the beginning.

Him: Good!

Her: How far away are you?

Him: Honey, I’m home!

Click.

Her: What if I never get to see her again?

Him: You will.

Her: Is there a God? An afterlife?

Him: Oh love, you’re asking the wrong person.

Her: …I know.

Him: Leave work, I’ll take you out.

Her: I can’t.

Him: You need a break. Let me distract you.

Her: You know how to make anything tempting, don’t you?

Him: It’s a specialty.

Her: But do you honestly think there is no God? No place for me to say one more word?

Him: I honestly don’t know anything.

Her: I hate this lack of closure. It’s suffocating.

Him: Come home and I’ll free you for a while. Deal?

Her: Deal.

They were both in love with idea of temporary life. If a small spark grew into a little more it was worth something, right? It was like asking if a god would hear her. All unknown. All unsatisfying. Like an unrequited love, barely grasping the idea of what it means to possess another’s heart and soul. For now, they could forget of who they were and who they knew. They wouldn’t think of the specks of color that are disappearing from their lives. Tonight would be fluttered lashes and intertwined fingers. No bruises. No pain.

Him: Get home right now!

Her: Why? Wha-

Him: Don’t!

Click.

She had no thoughts of what was to be expected. She was scared, but constantly obedient. His rage was a suffocating blanket. He thought he was for putting out fires, but instead it trapped her in smoke. In the end, someone always gets hurt. He wasn’t expecting to go that far. He wasn’t expecting for her to be so weak. Neither of them had realized how close the staircase was. Not when he viciously raised his hand, nor when she backed away. Not until it was too late.

Voicemail: Hey, leave your name and number at the beep and I’ll get back to you!

Him: Please…please pick up. I know you deserve better. I’m so sorry. They said I’m not allowed inside. You’re brother wouldn’t even let me near your hospital room. I’m so sorry, I never meant to hurt you…Fuck…I love you!

Click.

Voicemail: Hey, leave your name and number at the beep and I’ll get back to you!

Him: You must hate me. I hate myself for doing this to you. I’m so sorry. Please forgive me. Please answer. I just need to hear your voice. I love you so much, I can’t lose you.

Click.

Voicemail: Hey, leave your name and number at the beep and I’ll get back to you!

Him: I’m going to make this right. I’m going to do this for us. Everything is going to be okay. I love you so much. You’re going to be happy. I’ll make sure of it. I promise you.

Click.

He hated her for being so delicate. He hated himself more for being so destructible.

Her: I need you to go to my apartment!

Him: Why? I thought your asshole boyfriend was already there.

Her: Please, he left some messages on my phone. I didn’t check until now. And he’s not picking up. Please sob…

Him: O-Okay. I’m sure he is alright. I’ll go right now and call you if I hear anything.

Her brother was a hard man to get through, but she somehow always did. As much as he loved his sister, he had a feeling he was going to bear terrible news. Yet if it meant the end of these ‘accidents’, he knew it would be for the best.

Her: Hello?

Him: H-Hey

Her: Did you check up on him? Is he okay?

Him: I want you to know that Mom and I are here for you, okay? We’ll always be here for you.

Her: What happened? Tell me what happened! Oh God, he’s dead, isn’t he? This is my fault. It’s all my fault…

Him: It was um…it happened on the Queensburou.

Her: Oh my God! Oh my God it’s my fault! It’s my fault!

Him: No it’s not! You-

Her: I want to see him.

Him: But he’s…he’s dea-

Her: I want to see his body.

Him: No. Absolutely not.

Her: Let me see him!

Him: No! Don’t make me get Mom into this. You won’t win.

Her: He’s dead?

Him: I’m sorry.

Her: No you’re not!

Him: Please, don’t start this.

Her: You didn’t know him!

Him: He put you in the hospital!

Her: I told you, I fell!

Him: That’s such bullshit and you know it! He was bad person! He deserves to be dead!

Her: Fuck you!

Click.

She couldn’t breathe nor feel her limbs. Everything was automatic, but far from efficient. She moved clumsily to her demise. Ripping the tubes from her body and machine, she disconnected her sanity from her mind. They were ropes to her. Maybe they could connect her back to him. Maybe…Maybe. Her life was a maybe. His life was…well it was. It was past. She stood wildly; mind blanking and tubes hanging limply. It wasn’t until the nurse heard her machine beeping did she begin to panic and scream. She was a storm. And now…now she was alive. Alive and broken.

To breathe right now was to have her soul cracking apart into an ugly mosaic she only wished to destroy and let be. But she was alive and he was dead. The dead should stay dead. But where does that leave the living? She pondered this and could not answer, nor could she speak. Her voice was too hoarse from screaming and crying. But it would be okay. She would be numb soon. Soon…Soon…Soon.

She forgot what day it was.